Couples who work with me learn about “the 30 minute rule”
This is based on how human brains form memories. Our brains are selective about their long-term storage space. As a result not everything that happens to us is burned in to long-term memory. Some things that are simply not that important may be in short-term memory but never become a permanent memory. A good example is what you had for breakfast yesterday. You can probably remember what it was and you may even be able to remember that for the next few days. But unless something very important happened yesterday (for example, if it was the day your parent died, or the day a natural disaster happened where you live) you will most likely forget that breakfast after a few days.
So what helps our brains choose what memories to keep and what memories to let fade away? Mostly it has to do with the intensity of the experience. The more intense the emotional when the event happens, the more likely you will be to remember it. Unfortunately this applies to good feelings as well as bad ones. In fact, if the situation involves threat or anger it is even more likely to be stored as a permanent memory. It also has to do with timing. If the intense feeling associated with the event lasts more than 30 minutes, the brain thinks "wow, this is important! We need to remember this!" and flags that experience for long-term storage.
Now think about the last fight you had with your partner. Did they say things that made you question their commitment to the relationship? If so, that probably triggered a response in your “threat system”. And that flags the experience as important information that should be remembered. So every time you and your partner get into a bad fight, and someone “hits below the belt” and says things like “if this doesn't change I am leaving!” or “I wish I had never met you!”, you can bet that those words, and the associated feelings, are getting put into permanent storage. If left unattended, this tendency to store hurts can create mountains of painful memories that eventually outweigh any love you once had for each other.
So what can be done about this? It would be great if we could teach people how to never fight, but that’s just not human. We can’t even guarantee that when couples do fight that they won’t say hurtful things. What we can do is help couples understand that if the negative feelings towards each other go on for too long (more than 30 minutes) you are risking creating a permanent negative memory. That means adding it to a stockpile of other bad experiences that will, eventually, tank a relationship.
Hence the 30-minute rule.
When you are in an argument with your partner, at least one of you needs to call time at 30 minutes. At this point you both need to realize that you are a critical point. You need to find a way to remember that the person in front of you is not your enemy. You don’t have to give up, or agree, or resolve the fight. You just have to reconnect emotionally and agree that you are two people who really do love each other even if at the moment you are driving each other crazy. This reconnection neutralizes the hostile, threatened, angry feelings enough to prevent the negative memory from being formed. At that point you can keep talking if you want, or you can table it for later, but at least you have not made a permanent black mark on the relationship ledger.
This takes practice. Some couples have real stamina when it comes to fighting! They can go at it all night, or cold-shoulder each other for weeks on end. And while there is a certain righteous feeling in the moment to doing this, it comes at a very high cost in the long run. If you are committed to keeping a “clean emotional slate” with your partner you may want to practice keeping the hostility part of the fight down to under 30 minutes. Over time you will get better and better at this. I have seen couples whose fights used to last for days learn how to diffuse situations in under 5 minutes. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. Because permanent memories are just that. And you want to save the permanent storage space for positive memories like the day you met, your favorite vacation together, your wedding day or the birth of your children. Those are the memories that you want with you for a lifetime.
This is based on how human brains form memories. Our brains are selective about their long-term storage space. As a result not everything that happens to us is burned in to long-term memory. Some things that are simply not that important may be in short-term memory but never become a permanent memory. A good example is what you had for breakfast yesterday. You can probably remember what it was and you may even be able to remember that for the next few days. But unless something very important happened yesterday (for example, if it was the day your parent died, or the day a natural disaster happened where you live) you will most likely forget that breakfast after a few days.
So what helps our brains choose what memories to keep and what memories to let fade away? Mostly it has to do with the intensity of the experience. The more intense the emotional when the event happens, the more likely you will be to remember it. Unfortunately this applies to good feelings as well as bad ones. In fact, if the situation involves threat or anger it is even more likely to be stored as a permanent memory. It also has to do with timing. If the intense feeling associated with the event lasts more than 30 minutes, the brain thinks "wow, this is important! We need to remember this!" and flags that experience for long-term storage.
Now think about the last fight you had with your partner. Did they say things that made you question their commitment to the relationship? If so, that probably triggered a response in your “threat system”. And that flags the experience as important information that should be remembered. So every time you and your partner get into a bad fight, and someone “hits below the belt” and says things like “if this doesn't change I am leaving!” or “I wish I had never met you!”, you can bet that those words, and the associated feelings, are getting put into permanent storage. If left unattended, this tendency to store hurts can create mountains of painful memories that eventually outweigh any love you once had for each other.
So what can be done about this? It would be great if we could teach people how to never fight, but that’s just not human. We can’t even guarantee that when couples do fight that they won’t say hurtful things. What we can do is help couples understand that if the negative feelings towards each other go on for too long (more than 30 minutes) you are risking creating a permanent negative memory. That means adding it to a stockpile of other bad experiences that will, eventually, tank a relationship.
Hence the 30-minute rule.
When you are in an argument with your partner, at least one of you needs to call time at 30 minutes. At this point you both need to realize that you are a critical point. You need to find a way to remember that the person in front of you is not your enemy. You don’t have to give up, or agree, or resolve the fight. You just have to reconnect emotionally and agree that you are two people who really do love each other even if at the moment you are driving each other crazy. This reconnection neutralizes the hostile, threatened, angry feelings enough to prevent the negative memory from being formed. At that point you can keep talking if you want, or you can table it for later, but at least you have not made a permanent black mark on the relationship ledger.
This takes practice. Some couples have real stamina when it comes to fighting! They can go at it all night, or cold-shoulder each other for weeks on end. And while there is a certain righteous feeling in the moment to doing this, it comes at a very high cost in the long run. If you are committed to keeping a “clean emotional slate” with your partner you may want to practice keeping the hostility part of the fight down to under 30 minutes. Over time you will get better and better at this. I have seen couples whose fights used to last for days learn how to diffuse situations in under 5 minutes. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. Because permanent memories are just that. And you want to save the permanent storage space for positive memories like the day you met, your favorite vacation together, your wedding day or the birth of your children. Those are the memories that you want with you for a lifetime.