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Dr. Jordan's Blog on Relationships

6/13/2016 20 Comments

The Care and Feeding of Your "Island" (Avoidant) Partner

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First a note on semantics. The "Island" under consideration is a romantic partner who has what would, in research, be called an "avoidant" attachment style. Attachment research goes back many years (to the 1940's) and involves classifying people into different categories based on how the relate to their primary caregiver in early childhood. For more information on attachment see my earlier blog on the subject. 

As some of you know when I work with couples I use the PACT model of therapy (the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy). The PACT model has re-labelled the attachment styles as follows: Islands (avoidant), Waves (resistant) and Anchors (secures). It would be too complicated to explain the model here but see earlier posts of mine on the classification system and how our attachment styles impact our romantic relationships. Dr. Stan Tatkin's audio program, "Your Brain on Love", provides a wonderful explanation of the theory and how to apply it to your relationship. 

OK, now on to those islands. For those of you who love someone who is often island-ish it can be confusing to understand them if you are not one yourself. Now of course to be fair, island-ish people don't understand wave-ish people either. 

However, human behavior is often predictable if you know what to look for. So if you know that your partner is "island-ish" then you can predict what is going to bug them and what will really make them purr.  I am summarizing here points made by Dr. Stan Tatkin in his wonderful audio program Your Brain on Love. If you haven't listened to it I strongly suggest you give it a try!  While I have provided a link via Amazon you can also buy it on iTunes, Audible and soundstrue.com. 

Now before proceeding I need to make something REALLY clear. What I am about to say may make you think "sheesh, why would I want to commit to an island if it will turn out this way?". So PLEASE understand something-- everyone, regardless of their style (Island or Wave) will get harder to handle after commitment. Dr. Tatkin refers to this as the "marriage monster". It's the unstoppable dynamic that gets activated when we pledge ourself to someone for all eternity. This just naturally turns up the heat and starts to show the cracks in our structure. So if you are wave-ish please realize that commitment also makes you more wave-ish and therefore harder to handle. It's not that island-ish people are worse than you. There is enough bad behavior to go around ;-)

OK so as long as you proceed without judgement, here are a few things that are predictable about people who are island-ish (or avoidantly attached):

Once committed, island-ish folks tend to distance more. Remember that in courtship our brains are on all kinds of love chemicals that make us act like the most perfect version of ourselves. Those things that later will drive us crazy, like how our partner snorts when they laugh, which seemed so cute when we are dating but is now repulsive. Island-ish folks can tolerate a lot more closeness during courtship thanks to the cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones we are on (for more on this see the Ted Talk by Helen Fisher). However once those hormones and neurotransmitters settle down as a real relationship develops, Islands start to have more trouble with the stress of being close. Islands find close relationships more stressful than waves or anchors so they are more prone to this problem. 

Once committed island-ish folks tend to be more secretive. They may feel the need to 'protect' themselves as we become more important to them. Closeness can provoke a sense of danger to an island so they will "beef-up" on their boundaries as the relationship progresses. Remember that this is NOT specific to you (they would do it with any partner) and also they are NOT conscious of it or doing it "on purpose". Reassure them that you accept all of them and that they don't need to keep secrets from you for fear that you will judge them. This should help them feel more comfortable with the closeness and intimacy.

Once committed they are likely to be more protective of their alone-time. Try to let them know that you respect their need to be alone some of the time and that you are committed to letting them have some of that. Don't let them be alone all of the time (which they may think would be good for them). In fact, if left alone too long they tend to neglect themselves! So they truly do "need" us, but they also need to feel separate and autonomous. 

Once committed their preference for "auto-regulation" can become more pronounced. Everyone needs some autoregulation skills but don't let your island-ish person over-rely on that strategy. Help them use you for safety and security when they are under stress. They may protest against this at first, saying that they want to "be alone". But remember if under stress an island would to better to seek solace in their partner, they just don't do that instinctively. 

Once committed they may start reacting poorly to being approached. This is especially likely if you come unannounced or they do not know you are approaching until you are there. They tend to feel that their independence is being threatened when their partner walks up to them. They tend to expect that you need something from them and this makes them uneasy. Reassure them that you don't "need" anything from them but you  just want to be around them because you love them. Let them know you are not using them for anything but rather that you chose them because you love and appreciate them. And try not to call them, especially by name, from another room, that tends to set off their alarm systems and they will likely react with anger or irritation. Instead go to them if you need them. 

Once committed island-ish people's fear of engulfment from childhood tends to return. This makes them behave in all of the ways mentioned above. Reassure them that you want them to have their independence and that you also know that even though they want their alone time you also know that they love you. Island-ish folks tend to be afraid that if they ask for what they need for in terms of alone time their partner is going to feel hurt. Let them know this is not the case. 

Once committed island-ish folks can be peckish about feeling they are being used, as noted above, so make sure to tell your island-ish partner that you love them just for who they are. 

Once committed island-ish partners can experience a lessening of their libido/sex drive. A once pretty sexually active partner can seem to lose interest sexually. Be careful not to take this personally. They would be this way with anyone and it has to do with them coming from families where there was not a lot of physical closeness. Now that you have become "deep family" to them they start to unconsciously revert back to the patterns of their childhood attachments, which probably did not include a lot of close physical contact. Of course you can continue to ask for physical contact but be patient with them and try to find ways of approaching that don't provoke a defensive response in your island-ish partner. Also be careful not to trigger a shame response when discussing this with your island-ish partner as they tend to feel ashamed and embarrassed about letting their partner down in this way. 

Once committed your island-ish partner may start to doubt that you will really be there for them if they need you (even if you have already proven that you will be there!). This comes from their history of having to take care of themselves emotionally a lot of the time. So now that they have taken you in to their inner level they will expect you to neglect them somehow. Make sure to let them know that you intend to continue to take care of them and don't let them push you away in this area because they "know" you won't measure up. 

Remember that all of the above is NOT personal, NOT conscious and NOT immediately under their control. Like any human being island-ish partners can learn about themselves and can learn new  behaviors. But this often takes time and some professional coaching. 

And one final tip on not triggering your island-ish partner-- 

Try not to ask them why they did something. Most people probably don't know exactly why they do what they do in a given day because most of our brain processes are automatic. If we had to consciously think of everything we do we couldn't walk and breath at the same time, let alone explain ourselves from moment to moment. And since island-ish folks are not prone to thinking about themselves they feel caught off-guard and put on the spot if you ask them to analyze their own behavior. It's more useful to give them feedback on how their behavior is impacting you (what you like and what you don't like about their behavior) rather than try to have them explain themselves.

I hope these tips have been helpful. Look for my upcoming blog on "The Care and Feeding of Your Wave". Remember, about half of us have "insecure" attachment styles (meaning we are not "anchors" or "secures"). So if you find yourself relating to the Island or Wave types don't feel bad. There are plenty of folks in your company. And if your partner is willing to learn your style they can take great care of you (and vice-versa!). 


Best wishes,


Dr. Jordan

20 Comments
Kris
3/18/2017 05:38:18 pm

How can you inspire an island to want to spend more time together and enjoy it? After reading about them, I now feel like being with me stresses him out and that he would just rather watch football or golf with his roommate and friend since childhood. Do they actually enjoy any time together? He keeps a tight reign on the amount but does seem to thoroughly enjoy it. How long does it take their brains to rewire?

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http://www.bestessays-uk.org/write-my-paper link
1/14/2018 12:24:58 pm

I am protective of my alone time because it is very important that you spend time by yourself. No matter how sad it sounds, you cannot always depend on other people. You have to be able to stand on your own feet. I say this so that no matter what happens, you will always know how you will stand back right up. As long as people respect my alone time, I will also respect whatever it is that they want me to respect.

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Dr. Jordan link
3/18/2018 12:15:38 pm

Hi Kris,

I only just recently realized that I can reply to these posts so sorry it took so long! Islands are like feral cats, so you want to attract them by doing things slowly and not overwhelming them. Tell them "I'd like to spend time with you today, maybe an hour (or however long), when would be good for you?" You can also throw in "what do you want to do for yourself today? I want to make sure you get that time, so how about if you and I do X for X hour(s) and we can make sure you can do your thing before/after". This way the Island knows that you are on to them, you know they are protective of their time and that you WANT them to have it. That can be very relieving for them. Hope that helps.

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Mo
3/21/2019 08:46:09 pm

Hi Dr. Jordan and anyone who sees this :)

How do you go about these when you are only in an exclusive relationship but not living together and are not married?
Do the same principles and approaches applies? Am I allowed to navigate with this positive/constructive outlook?

My context is: As soon as he expressed he wanted to be serious with me, the patterns you described above has emerged, although I genuinely know that he cares, through his actions, his behaviours really do push me towards the more anxious tendencies that I may have.

Shae Leon
3/19/2017 11:13:42 am

I feel like that, too! It's making me paranoid, now, that my fiancée is anxious if in my company too long! How is he going to survive the honeymoon??

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Wendy
4/20/2017 08:38:21 am

Could you please write a similar article, "the care and feeding of your wave?"

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Dr. Jordan link
3/18/2018 12:17:16 pm

I did! It's in my blog listed as such. If you can't find it on the Austin Marriage and Couples Counseling site try looking at www.kristajordan.com on that blog. I post on both. Hope that helps!

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Scott
4/20/2017 12:37:17 pm

What if they want to be around best friends all the time, instead of you, for their non-alone time? How should I approach this, without seeming like I'm attacking friends or island?

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Rhonda
7/17/2017 11:04:16 am

I'm a wave who has been in a relationship with an island for three years. The hardest part is to not take his behavior personally. How do you not take it personally when if I upset him or ask to see him and I get the silent treatment. It's a hurt in your gut that's indescribable. The silent treatment is the worse. And since we don't live together how can I even end the relationship if he won't talk to me? Ignoring him doesn't work because an island wants to be ignored, so you're just giving them what they want! As childish as I know this will sound, I often find myself trying to figure out a way to make him hurt like I have, for it to eat at him day and night. I'm convinced there's nothing that makes an island hurt!

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Gabby
10/3/2017 12:39:07 pm

That requires you to manage your own relationship style, and it sounds to me like you're an ambivalent.

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Andrea
12/5/2017 02:14:13 pm

I just wanted to respond to everyone dealing with the same thing that I have been dealing with for almost 3 years now. I am an anxious attachment in a, guess what? Relationship with an avoidant or as they refer to them here, and Island. The best piece of advice that I can give you if you have the patience and compassion for avoidants or Island types, is to let them have control. It is about control to them. It has been ingrained in them since an early age that they are independent and don't need anyone's help. People like us tend to have separation anxiety and freak out when we are repelled by our avoidant lovers. If you make them feel more separation anxiety than they are used to, then they will come to you. You weren't doing this in a way to be hurtful, but it kind of sets off the alarm and their head that they no longer have control of this situation as much as they would like. Avoidants want you in the same house but not the same room. They actually do have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Lastly, I would like to say that avoidant types are much like battered sheltered animals. Ever notice how I dog or cat that has been abused is very skittish and not very trusting of their Newfound owners? It takes time for them to become what we consider normal again. You have to let battered animals come to you and adjust on their own. What you can do is offer your distance and space as they find comfortable and eventually they will come out and reach to you. Don't try to force them into anything or they will bite! When they do, however, give you love and affection respond just as warmly. You are rewarding them for good behavior. Attachment Styles can change us anxious types just have to be very very compassionate and patient. Best of luck.

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Kari
2/19/2018 06:20:03 am

This helped me a lot!! Thank you

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Rena
3/18/2018 10:18:12 pm

Hi Andrea, I love your post. I rarely come across people who believe or who make relationship work with avoidants. Most people would say walk away. I have several months relationship with a dismissive-avoidant man. It is already the third time he disappeared. First two times, I texted him and everything become normal. When he is present, he is a great boyfriend, very caring and affectionate. This is the third time and it has been a month. He went to Europe but he already came back last week. I texted him before his trip just asked some simple question, he replied right away. But since then there is nothing. My question is should I contact him after a month of his silence? I do want to have this relationship.

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Ashley
4/4/2018 05:58:15 am

Andrea this is perfectly said. I am an anxious attachment with an Avoidant; An avoidant who has an ACE score of 9. What you said makes total sense to me now! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom! compassion and patients is so important throughout so many areas in life but I see how important it is for me to become even more compassionate, more patient, and less clingy with my partner in order to help him heal. <3

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Ellen
3/2/2019 10:34:29 am

Thank you so much for explaining that ,I am with an avoidant who I love dearly ,Iv been with him for 2 yrs and still do not know as he cant tell me if he loves me but his libido has slowly diminished ,I am feeling very worthless without all the usual words to make me feel I am loved or important ,I am not confrontational either and let them have control over situations but I am not taking over which I dont want to do anyway but your explaining how to treat them has helped me in a small way as I just want them to know I am secure and trusted for them ,I am good at talking calmly and will take your advice on board as I feel this could be lasting with us if I know how to tread carefully without hurting him or scaring him ,we are in our 60s and I dont want to ever be without him so need all the advice to make this work ,thank you.

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Bill
3/30/2019 08:14:04 am

This is spot on. I have an island wife. She is very secure in herself. And very confident in us as a couple. However, it makes me instinctually crazy to have to give her this control. It makes it hard for me to feel that I’m able to affect her with words and with physical touch. The only times she will receive it are when she’s ready - I need to give her space and then she will come to me in a more organic way - where I can tell she’s really into it. Letting her roam free without me and coming back. It’s really hard to do because I know she’s got a lot going on in her life that I’d hope to be able to impact. My offering to help her in her life and her turning that down is a tough point for me as a wave. Your advice is great though. It helps to hear someone say that it’s good as a rule of thumb to do this and not that. And that I’m not doing anything out of maliciousness.

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Lacey
1/4/2018 12:57:27 pm

In response to Andrea's comment, i would refrain from saying "you are rewarding them from good behavior". That doesn't promote thr mentality that both Dr. Tatkin and Dr. Jordan are trying divulge. I am an anchor with many island tendencies mainly because I recognise the benefit of relationship and get along very nicely with each and every person. I am very quite, very much comfortable being within my own zone alone, though I am very aware of my need for connection. I will also state im a tortoise ( I'd looked that up if you're reading this). Remember its not just about your partners reaction... its yours as well. Dont just be aware of how your partner reacts to a situation but also what YOU have said or done and how it all relates. Relationships arent about I know black and white, there grey when the 2 meet what kind of GREY are we understanding here.

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Lacey Female Nichols
1/4/2018 01:02:50 pm

Just odd to speak on the level of you the "wave" as being human and the "island" being a lost dog. See how that comes off?

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N. Nama
12/11/2018 08:18:16 pm

My advice after 2.5 years with an Island: do yourself a favor and find a secure partner.

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Just leave
12/22/2018 02:14:29 pm

I have been with this type on and off for 12 years. We met as students, I always thought he might turn into an adult at some point. I loved my space and he loved his own, it was fine for both. We were in love, and had a strong bond.
Two years ago the first talk about marriage, he was not sure about it. I was shocked when he said that, after a decade I thought it was just a formality. My best guess is that he started to freak out back then. Intimacy went downhill, all the way down to sexual dysfunction. He was still loving and caring but shown greater anxiety and depressive symptoms, which he put down to work related stress. He seemed sincerely under strain. I tried to be there for him in the best way I could, while lowering my expectations. Thinking it was a heavy bout of depression, and under the threats I was going to leave, eventually he agreed to seek therapy. By then I could no longer recognise him, he was distant and aloof, shark-eyed. I was devastated. While waiting for his first counselling session I discovered he had cheated on me for several months while I was putting up with all his turmoil. Not just that, he confessed he had cheated with a young woman with a child, that he loved me deeply, that I was the most important person in his life, that maybe he wanted children but was not sure of his future with me. There was so much illogical nonsense packed up in our last conversation, that I honestly thought he had gone insane.
I told him to leave straight away.
...
Takeaway: I am a strong believer in healthy relationships where both partners keep a safe space for themselves. If this means one ends up babysitting the avoidant, justify it all, walk on eggshells, until being shat upon like this, consider leaving. It's well wasted energy.

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