​I am always searching for new resources to guide clients to. Many people are in need of   information and help but can't afford therapy, live in areas where there is not good access to therapy, don't feel ready to start therapy at this time or don't have the time to take off work/kids/etc. to attend therapy. Obviously as a psychotherapist I think therapy is HUGELY helpful.  I also acknowledge that good information, whether as an adjunct to actual therapy or in lieu of therapy, can be transformative for some people. 

In that light I am very pleased to point you towards a great on-line resource for information about healthy sexuality. Whether or not you are a survivor of sexual trauma who is trying to figure out how to get comfortable with sex again, or someone who is struggling with a pornography addiction, or a couple looking to improve your sexual connection this youtube channel has something for you. The youtube channel is owned by the Center For Healthy Sexuality in Los Angeles, California. The director, Alex Katehakis, has also written a great book called Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation which is due out very soon. 

I strongly recommend taking a minute to browse the videos available on this amazing channel. Some of the ones that caught my eye were:

• Center for Healthy Sex - What Is Healthy Sex
• A Buddhist Perspective on Sex -- A CHS Webinar with Noah Levine
• Mother Enmeshed Men -- A CHS Webinar with Doug Sorensen
• Boundaries-- Alex Katehakis
• Healing from the Aftermath of Infidelity -- A CHS Webinar with Dr. Tammy Nelson
• Mis-Matched Libidos -- A CHS webinar with Neil Cannon
• Developing Sexually Healthy Children Through Respectful Parenting -- A CHS webinar with Marcus Earle
• Betrayal and Relational Healing - CHS webinar with Marnie Breecker
• Introduction to the Complex Partner Trauma Model -- A CHS webinar with Hope Ray
• Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation-- lecture by Alexandra Katehakis
• SHAME Part 4: The Signs of Love Addiction

But there are MANY more videos on this website and new ones being added regularly. So take a look! Whether you are partnered or single, young or old, gay or straight (or anywhere in between) sex is part of the human experience. We all need healing and many of us need healing in some of our sexual selves. I encourage you to be curious about how some of these resources might help you. 

As always I also encourage you to consider therapy if you feel that you are stuck and in pain. 

Best wishes for your sexual, emotional, physical and relational health,

​Dr. Jordan

If you have found this information helpful or interesting please click on the "like" button below for Facebook, the "tweet" button for Twitter or leave a comment. Thanks!
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I'm a big podcast fan and today I was listening to the Moth podcast and found some great stories I wanted to share. The first is about falling in love but then finding that what was needed to move forward was too much to ask. The second is about a man who falls in love, marries the woman of his dreams, loses her and then gets her back. The last is about a man who loses his marriage but finds meaning and purpose in helping another. 

I particularly like the second story because it touches on what not do to in a marriage (drift apart and ignore the drift until it's too late) and what TO do in a marriage (pay attention to each other as though you are still courting, never losing site that this is the one person above all others you want to please and yes, even serve). 

I hope you enjoy!

The Moth Radio Hour: Mismatch, Marriage, and a Marathon



Warm regards,

Dr. Jordan

This is a great one-hour interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin about how humans are wired. While Dr. Tatkin states that our brains are more naturally wired for war than love (due to the survival drive) we CAN learn how to activate the natural aspects of our brains and nervous systems that allow us to connect deeply to others. 

I hope you enjoy this. If you like the theory presented here please look for a PACT therapist to work with you and your partner. I am trained in PACT as are numerous other therapists here in Austin, Texas. 

http://youtu.be/2PNPOh8-7i4


And whether or not we are "wired" for love, consider the following wisdom

While loving someone deeply gives you courage 
                Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength




Best wishes,
Dr. Jordan

A lot of people talk about co-dependency.  We all know that it's not something good but what does it really mean? And is there a good type of dependency? Or is all dependency bad? 

The term originally came out of 12-step programs like AA. In that system there is the addict and then there is their partner who is the "co-dependent". This person is wrapped up in the addiction just as much as the addict. The addiction rules their life with equal fervor. On the surface people's sympathies often go with the co-dependent rather than the addict. We may find ourselves thinking "oh, that poor person, attached to that addict who is making their life so miserable". 

But the reality is that both people are dysfunctional. The co-dependent person is getting some kind of perk out of being in this situation. Mabye it's the sympathy of others. Or the excuse as to why they can't get ahead in life-- because they are too busy taking care of the addict. The addict looks like the "hot mess" in the relationship and in contrast the co-dependent looks well put together. 

In this type of relationship both people actually have an agenda. The addict wants to maintain their addiction and the co-dependent wants to have an excuse for why their life isn't the way they want it to be. In fact in these relationships  both partners are using the relationship for meeting mostly their own needs. They do not expect the relationship to be fair.  In fact, they expect and act as if relationships will NOT be fair! Their needs may be to have a partner hold down the home front while they engage in affairs or addictions. Or the need may be to play the martyr and support an addict while complaining to everyone else about how mistreated they are. This is not interdependency. 

Interdependency involves the idea that in a relationship, we are greater than the sum of our parts. That two together can accomplish more than either one alone. Or as the african saying goes, "if you are going to take a short journey, go alone and you will go faster. But if you must go far, take another". Life is a long journey and taking a partner along with us to be our help-mate can be incredibly fulfilling and successful if we can learn the basic rules of truly mutual relationships.  Psychologists and researchers call these truly mutual relationships "secure", meaning that each partner knows that the other person is going to be there for them no matter what.  And that each partner also knows that whatever happens to their partner happens to them too.  So in a secure relationship, one would never do anything that would intentionally hurt the other person, or be unfair to them, or take advantage of them, because in the end it would hurt BOTH of them. It is a state of knowing that you are bound together on all levels and acting accordingly. 

The method of couples therapy that I practice, called the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, or PACT, talks a lot about how to develop a secure relationship. Dr. Diane Poole Heller interviewed PACT's originator, Dr. Stan Tatkin, about the phenomenon of interdependency. You may enjoy watching the interview to learn more about this:

http://youtu.be/eCwjQIG0gFs

I hope you find this video helpful as well as the information provided above. Remember, all relationships can change given proper support and guidance. 
Warm wishes,

Dr. Krista Jordan

If you have read my website you will know that I am very interested in attachment styles. Research done by Dr. John Bowlby and his associate Mary Main in the 1940's showed us that infants have a potential of 4 different styles of relating to their primary caregivers: Secure (the ideal, healthy pattern), Anxious-Ambivalent (sometimes called Angry-Resistant), Anxious-Avoidant and Disorganized (sometimes called "Cannot Classify"). These 4 patterns have proven to be extremely useful in predicting adult behaviors in romantic relationships as well as parenting behaviors. 

If you are interested to find out what your attachment style is there are several ways to go about this. The "gold standard" has always been to have the Adult Attachment Interview administered by a trained researcher. This is the instrument used in research to identify attachment patterns in adults.  However finding a therapist who is trained to administer this instrument can be difficult! Another adult attachment test that has been developed is the Adult Attachment Projective. However, this also needs to be done by a trained professional and not all cities (and certainly most rural areas) have anyone who has this type of training. 


In an effort to find a method for people to determine their adult attachment classification I have tried various self-administered tests. The one that I have found to be most useful is on the website of psychologist Diane Poole Heller. Her self-administered test can be done online and gives you results immediately. Rather than being fully categorical (meaning you can only have one classification), her test creates a pie chart showing you what percent of your responses line up with a particular style. This is much more in keeping with what I see as a clinician-- that in some situations a person will look anxious-ambivalent, but in other situations they may look more anxious-avoidant for example. I think her approach makes sense clinically and is also easy for a lay person to understand. 


For a really great understanding of how your attachment style impacts your romantic relationships I strongly recommend listening to Dr. Stan Tatkin's MP3 download, "Your Brain On Love". It explains in plain English how your childhood attachment style influences your romantic relationships in adulthood. 


Remember, even those of us who came into adulthood with insecure attachment styles can learn new ways of being. With the help of a good therapist we can learn to re-pattern our ways of relating to mimic those of secure functioning couples. This can bring increased harmony, enjoyment, intimacy and stability to our relationships. Thanks to neuroplasticity we all have a chance at the benefits of a secure attachment to that special person. 

You may not know it, but the porn industry has figured out how to hijack your brain's normal circuitry to make you addicted to their product. And they are quite successful! Just as McDonald's uses our brain's cravings for calorie-dense food (that came from eons of living through food shortages), the porn industry uses our brain's natural mechanisms for bonding and procreation to make us crave highly sexualized, ever changing pornographic material. 

Here's how it works (I am paraphrasing from Sam Black, author of  The Porn Circuit): 

• Your brain has a natural chemical (dopamine) that is released when you do something pleasurable. This is to make sure that you continue to do things that are good for you, like eating or having sex (good for you in the survival-of-the-species sense of the word). This dopamine "reward circuit" is responsible for many kinds of addictions, from gambling to sex to alcoholism. According to Black, when dopamine is released into a certain part of the brain responsible for "emotion and learning, [it gives] the viewer a sense of sharp focus and a sense of craving" as well as pleasure. This causes the brain to create a pleasant memory of the experience, so that if circumstances arise that predict that the experience is near, the brain will release the dopamine again. It creates a learning loop where the brain tells the person (according to Black) “Remember where you got your fix last time. Go there to get it.”
• Another brain chemical that we normally think of as being used for attention is also at play. This chemical is norepinephrine. This chemical helps us to stay focused and pay attention to what's important. It is also released during sexual response, again reinforcing the idea that sex is important. And for the survival of the species it certainly is. But again the normal sexual response and the brain's response to that is hijacked by pornography, which the brain cannot differentiate from healthy sex. 
• As if that was not enough, the brain also releases two more powerful chemicals, oxytocin and vasopressin, during the sexual response. Oxytocin has been called "the bonding hormone" and helps us feel close to, and protective of, the person we are engaged with. It is the hormone that is released during nursing. However in combination with vasopressin, according to Black, they "help to lay down the long-term memories for the cells." In effect they tie the sexual pleasure memory to the person or thing that caused the sexual response.  Again in terms of mating and reproduction this is a good thing. It makes the couple stay together to raise offspring. However, in terms of pornography, it binds the person to the porn that they are using in very powerful ways. 
• We have all heard of endorphins, the chemicals that our body produces in response to pain. They are the bodies natural opiates and much more powerful than anything man-made thus far. This is what produces a "runner's high" or causes the injured soldier on the battlefield to not feel the pain of his wounds so that he can run to safety. This powerful chemical is also linked to sexual response and is released into the brain after orgasm. This can create a strong sense of well-being and pleasure that makes one want to repeat the experience, much like how the "high" of opium creates addicts. In love we become "addicted" to each other, a positive experience that can fuel a relationship. However when porn is the stimulus for this response, it creates a powerful craving for more porn!
• And finally, orgasm also changes levels of  serotonin. This is the chemical that is altered by antidepressants and is linked to mood (among other things). After orgasm, changing levels of serotonin create a feeling of calm and relaxation that is quite pleasurable. Again this causes us to want to repeat the experience. If the experience is having sex with a partner in the context of a healthy emotional bond, that can be very positive. However, if the experience is after viewing pornography, again the system gets hijacked to make sure you want more porn-- and soon!

So you can see how our brains are wired for partner sex. Each sexual experience, which based on mother nature was supposed to happen with another person, was designed to bond us emotionally to that person. To create powerful feelings of pleasure, excitement, affection and desire/craving. But that system gets hijacked by porn and turned into a powerful reinforcement system which leads the person back to porn for more and more "fixes". 

For more information brain circuits involved in pornography, download The Porn Circuit for free.

Below are other findings from brain researchers that illustrate how the brain responds to pornography: 

Cambridge Neuropsychiatrist Valerie Voon, in the UK documentary Porn on the Brain, demonstrates that the brains of chronic porn users closely resembles the brains of alcoholics. She explains that her research has shown that a particular area of the brain, the ventral striatum,  “lights up” when a porn addict sees porn. This is the same area of the brain that responds when an alcoholic sees a  drink. So the same areas of the brain that get hijacked in alcoholism, leading to addiction, are being hijacked in people who repeatedly use pornography. 

And in an interesting book by Dr. William Struthers  (Wired for Intimacy) brain research is quoted as demonstrating that viewing pornography and masturbating changes the singular cortex. This area of the brain is responsible for helping us have willpower and make hard moral and ethical choices.  The singular cortex is actually weakened in people who view pornography habitually. The sad fact is that pornography habits make it harder for us to avoid going back to pornography! It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. 

Gary Wilson, in his TEDx talk, explained why people who use porn frequently eventually have to find more and more extreme images/experiences to get the same result. As noted earlier, porn causes a release of dopamine in the brain. After using the same kind of porn over and over again the brain actually begins to wear out! It stops the production of dopamine to that stimulus (or anything that is too similar), which leaves the person craving their dopamine "fix" but unable to get it. The only way to get the high back is to find something that is more extreme than the original porn. Think of this like an alcoholic developing tolerance to drinking-- at first two drinks gets them tipsy, but in a year or two it takes 4, then 6, and so on. So the tolerance to the original level of stimulation drives them to more and more extreme types of porn just to get the same feeling of pleasure. 

For more information on the consequences of this particular aspect of porn addiction see the article "Why Does Porn Seem Hotter Than My Partner?" (http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-does-porn-seem-hotter-than-my-partner/) One of the most important things I have learned as a therapist in this situation is that chronic pornography usage can actually cause impotency in real-life sex! The brain gets so used to responding to porn that it gets confused when we have a real-life partner. Men can actually experience impotency or other erectile problems when they try to have sex with a real person, because they have conditioned their genitals (and brain) to respond only to a virtual person!

For more information on how to undo the porn habit and the hold it has on your brain (and your body), you may want to look at The Porn Circuit: Understanding Your Brain and Break Porn Habits in 90 Days.

The take home point is that Mother Nature never anticipated the internet. So our poor brains are not doing a very good job of keeping up. Circuits and chemicals that were designed to help make us get together to procreate and bond to partners are going haywire when exposed to types of stimulate they never anticipated. If you want your relationships to last you may need to learn more about the detrimental aspect of pornography and how to put those same circuits and chemicals to use in favor of your relationships rather than against them.